Slowly
I've realised the truth
Yet I don't want to
I know what I have to do
Yet I don't want to do it

Predicaments plague me
Kills me
Still I continue this blind eternity
Hoping it will change
When in fact
Nothing can change
Without me changing first

I hide from this truth
I shiver and quake
I know I have to face up to it
But when?
When will I have the strength to admit
What I've always known all along?
The truth
It binds,
It kills,
It eats,
I die slowly.
Slowly.

I have to change
I have to stop blaming people
I have to stop my hate
Most importantly
I have to stop myself
I know this
Yet I continue
wishing
Hoping
What I know is all but an illusion
but
I know the truth

This truth
It burns
It keeps me awake
It slashes at me
It whispers in my ears and
Nags at my conscience
Slowly
I die
Slowly
slowly...

Hi, I'm still alive, not to worry. But i'm still struggling to survive. I sometimes think that there's got to be something out there that is purposely trying to drown me, everytime I think I've survived the wave, a bigger and stronger tide sweeps me under again. Now, I've realised that it isn't the world, it isn't the fate or injustices of the world, rather, it is myself. I make things incerdibly difficult, I try to supress my happiness. I try tio kill the life in me. I don't know why I do it, but I just do. Maybe it is because my life has been to good. It could very possibly be because of that. Maybe I've had it too good and now deep down, I long for something terrible to happen to me so that I can say that I've been through rough times, just like everyone else. Maybe, subconsciously I want to experience life like those who haven't had it good, just to be able to say "I'm no different" I know it's a weird thought, but I think it might be true. Yes, I think it's true. No, I'm not blaming my parents for whatever has happened or rather what hasn't happened, but rather I'm just trying to come to terms with what is happening to me. This realisation hasn't really sunk in yet because in some ways I'm still denying the truth. Perhaps in some ways I'm trying to tell myself that I can still blame others. It isn't my fault, it isn't your own doing that has got you into this mess. It's someone else. Well, I've always been blaming someone else. But maybe I'll stop doing this. I'm not very happy. I can say that, but what am I going to do? Am I supposed to mope about and continue this blind reality? Will I live up to this truth? Will I learn that in the end there is no escape? Maybe, maybe...

ALONE

alone in this world
I search
the breeze hits me
beats me
toments me

Yet i know there is one
just like me
out there
somewhere

The comfort of the knowledge
brings hope to my life
leaves me satisfied with today
even though i've been defeated
yet again

I'm tired. Truely tired. what's in it for me? I don't know. I've tried, god knows I've tried, but why can't they understand how I feel? I joke, I laugh I do everything with everyone. I smile I talk I write I study. No one notices how my heart bleeds. No one knows how much life is sucked out me me every day. No one knows troubles, my sorrows, my loneliness. No one knows. I can't take for granted, yet I'm taken for granted. I can't lie, but I'm lied to. I can't cheat, but I'm cheated. what justice is there in this world? What justice? No one knows how hard I've tried to succeed how hard I've tried to make my parents proud. No one knows what life is like on the outside. they're all just looking in saying that if I were to grow up and be in their shoes, life would be alot harder. How could I doubt them? I ask myself this constantly, and yet I still find myself doubting. In a world of envy, hate, greed and lies, my problem might seem insignificant, but to me, it is everything. I shan't bore you with the details, coz there's just too much too say, I shan't tie you down with my sorrows, coz I know you wouldn't care. I shan't say anything more, coz I know that you won't remember me after you read this and go home. I'll face my demons one day, but today. It'll beat me down and pull the courage out of my soul. I leave. Good bye.

hey there D... Just wanna update u a lil... I know I haven't been writing much poems lately and thats coz I never find the time or heart to express myself. I hope that today's poem will make up for it.

The Passing World

It seems that the world,
revolves around itself.
Its every living occupant,
Concerned about himself.

But what makes me so sad,
is the fact that they'll never see
the joy of loving and sharing
and how much fun that could be

The days fly right by me
Like a little breeze
Not knowing I dont respond
to the gentle tease.

What makes the world go round
isnt what we say or do
it's all just an illusion
to make a fool of you

Perhaps one day we'll see
that we could e so uch better than you or me
That we could grow to love each other
And live in harmony

So as i was saying earlier
no man no one around
knows the truth about anything
or what really really makes the earth go round

HEYO!! well, I'm back again and I'm gonna enter in a new entry for the day...I'm a probate....u know, a prefect-to-be. I'm sort of the unappointed 'leader' of the gang and I sorta do stuff for everyone....I sumtimes feel taken for granted. I just feel so underminded and so insignificant. I'm sure anyone of the other probates could probably do what I've been doing, but, the thing is, they're just not interested. What I mean by that is that they dont have a personal interest to help anyone, but themselves... in some ways im like that too, but i truely believe that we all should do something to help everyone. I'm not trying to sound like an egoistic person, but i guess I cant help it with all thats going on.

I love what im doing now, Ilove having responsibilities and most importantly, Ilove the fact that my fellow peers have allowed me to have the chance to experience this. But, I know when we get invested next year, I wont be the next 'head'. Do u want to know why i say this? Well, I know I'm moody and serious, but I'm only that way because I take problems seriously and I try to solve them. constantly worrying about my friends, about my duties, about my schoolmates. I dont like being grumpy, but who can blame me? When I try to implement things, it just doesnt work becuase no one want to help. No one. I'm all alone sometimes I guess. The world is just like a passing breeze and what I'm doing isnt even reality. It's just a dream, an illusion. Nothing more than that. in the end, I wont b head becasue people will take me at face value and they wont see the real me inside. The me who likes to fool around, the me who likes to be rude and tell perverted jokes, the me who is never burdened with responsibilties and worries and the me who likes to have fun.

I know most people think that Im just a sicko and a stupid person who cant do anything right and well, maybe they're right, but can they do any better? No, I dont think so. Anyway, I just wanna say my piece and leave. Adios amegoes and may I see u soon.

My teacher brought up racism the other day in class. He wanted to have a class disscussion and so, I went about with my classmates trying to figure out what we felt was happening right now. He came round to our group after some time and asked us what we felt. As my friends aren't really some who like talking, I of course tried to cover for them. But in doing so, I realised that whatever was coming out of my mouth was somewhat fascinating. I know you must be thnking, what a huge ego this gal has. But hey, I really mean it.

I feel that there is a subconscious and conscious state of mind where you either know that you are being extremely racist or, you do or say something racist, but you just don't realise it until you are told. There is also another category where I believe this culture of being racist is inculcated in you since the very beginning. Then, it would also be a sort of subconscious thing, because it's burried so deep in you, that you don't really know it's there. But the fact is, it it.

In multi-racial singapore, racism should be scarce, but wait a minute, it isn't really. why do I say this? Well, I'll tell you why. You see, even in today's day and she where the government should give equal rights to everyone, they do not allow malays or other races except the chinese to be pilots in some of their government agencies. Only just, did they allow in a malay. One. Out of how many? well, the reason behind this, I suppose, is because they do not trust the other races because they think that they wouldn't be loyal and would betray them and place singapore in a very tight situation where all of us could be endangered.

Well, let me say this. If a malay were to betray singapore, I'm very sure, the government would start refusing letting all races enter into these fields again. But, lets say it is a chinese who betrays us. Would they ban the chinese from flying their planes? No! of course not. The truth of the matter is, somewhere deep inside, we are all a little racist. We always look at the other races and start to try finding fault with them. It is in mankind's human nature that makes us find fauts in other people. That's the way life goes. Until we turn mother nature around, we will always have a racist country and racist citizens.

I guess I never told you that I used to have a boyfriend right? I suppose I didn't tell you coz at that time I felt it was too private to share. The relationship ended a long time ago, but I still remember it to help me learn from whatever has happened. I realise that at my age, having a boyfriend is tough. Especially if the guy is way older than yourself. Sometimes, there are boundries you just can't cross and it seems unfair to keep the relationship going. why keep that person from finding his one true love? I know now that in life you must let go your insecurities sometimes and just trust. Just believe in yourself and in life. Believe that everything eill work out and that one day, you'll truely be happy. Yes, happy.

Maybe you might read this and think that I am an extremely optimistic person. Well tell you what. I'm not. I'm as somber and as boring as well as, as moody as they come. I know it, I accept it. You must be saying 'accept it? You should change you attitiude' Yes, I agree with you, but for me I understand that some things in me can't be changed. I've been this way ever since I truely started growing up. At the age of 8 or 9, I already knew more adults than I did children my own age. I never blame my parents for this, because I believe that was what made me who I am. It's just that I guess from young I never had much of an interactive attitude towards my friends than compared with my father's staff.

I don't mind much about the life I'm living now, it's just that I'd prefer to be away fromall this nonsense and chaos of life.

Maybe I'll be able to end it one day.

well it's been a long time since I've last written. I can't really help it though. Life has been hard on me these few days. My parents don't know abt what I'm going through, but it's tougher in the real world I'm in. much tougher. I find I express myself better in writting than in speaking. I don't know why though. I suppose the reason may be that I truly am an introvert. But I guess I'm a mild one at that. I talk, it's not that I don't, it's just that if given the chance, I would be happy not to talk for days. It's because of the circumstances and situations I'm in that change the way I am. I'm not unhappy about being more social, it's just that sometimes, when I look at myself from the outside, I find myself so alone. truthfully, I see myself as totally alone. I have 'friends' as people call them, but none truely understands or knows who I am. Maybe that's why I distance myself. From people I mean.

Good news and bad news...which would you want to hear first?? Okay, good news is that I've been nominated for PESA. Bad news is that I feel terrible!! I have this friend of mine and I think she may have gotten a little upset...maybe not only her... I suppose there might be some truth to it...I mean it's like I get chosen for all the story telling or speech things...like debating and stuff...but I don't know... maybe I didn't deserve to get in. Maybe I did. Who knows. Actually, when I joined PESA I didn't really intend to get in, but now that I'm in I don't know if I've done the right thing...what should I do?? I guess I have no choice but to enter. My teacher has already submitted my name. ARGH!! Life does suck sumtimes... didn't do too well on my tests though...big disappointment. But I studied SO HARD!! Argh sooo...frustrating. Haiz...what to do? No choice but to live life. As for my topic I'm choosing to speak for PESA, that's a secret. I'll let you know closer to the date. And anyway, I probably won't get in...right?? Oh well... dreams do come true and even nightmares come true too. Okay, gotta scoot. Catcha later...

Well, i haven' been typing much as tests came along and well...i have to study. Anyway, I hope I do well...after all that studying!! Oh well... I don't think I can write a poem today coz I have got to do my work...so, anyway, You know what? I tried auditioning for PESA today. That's Plain English Speaking Competition. Of course, I never said I'd get in, but well, I have my hopes..and a gal can dream can't she? Anywayz, I got back my history paper today. I've never gotten so high before!!! I'm sooo exhilerated. Well, I gotta go prop up my other site, See ya soon.

SARS is soo terrible...it's ruling our lives. Literally. Nowadays, anything I wanna do, is always questioned by my ma. I suppose she has her reasons, but whatever they are, I hate it. SARS is slowly but surely creeping it's way into our peaceful lives disrupting most of our familiar routines.

It's not as if I am not worried by SARS, it's just that somehow, I don't feel soo anxious and maybe, I shld be feeling more worried than im now. I suppose it hasn't affected me personally so I don't really think much abt it except that it ruining people's lives and killing them too. Just yesterday, SARS killed a little baby. A baby. Can you believe that? A poor defensless little baby. We shld all just sue China for not alerting the WHO earlier. I hate them!!! Haiz... I kinda feel sorry for that mum who lost her baby, it must feel awful to go thro such a painful ordeal. I know I wouldn't want this to happen to me one day. I would want this virus to blow over soon. But, how soon? I don't know.

I dun think any of us can hide from it, all we can do is wait it out and hopefully by that time researchers would have found a cure to fight this virus. At least, I hope that this virus doesnt mutate anytime soon. If it does, then, we are all doomed. I mean DEAD!!!

Okay enough about sob stories, let's talk abt why I'v changed my web to this one. Well, I thought about changing that one to a stories website so that if I had any stories, I could link it there. This for now, will act as my jounal and my poems palace.

WELL, I gotta bug off soon, so stay tuned for more on me.

Hiaz...i soo tired today!! Got exam tomolo...haiz how?? Anyway, I got like 30 min left to write sumthing here b4 I start studying...so HI!! I think I can't use he anglefire web. I got too tired trying. so, anyway, I'm gonna put a link to my webby and like have lists of books I've read...and the synopsis as well as other things.Hope to start soon. I just have to find the right blog skin first. I'm also gonna like write out stories that I've written for compos or for like homework so if I ever lose the actual stuff I can always look here!!

Anyway, enough of me, a poem!
Ps. I am NOT in love guys...dun get me wrong here.

More Than Just a Friend

It was that night,
I met the perfect guy.
who had a twinkle,
in his eye.

He smiled at me,
And my knees went weak.
My heart beating so fast,
I could hardly speak.

That day he came over,
and knocked at my door.
I almost fainted,
When it was him that I saw.

"Hi." He said,
In his low husky voice.
"Can I come in?"
I didn't have a choice.

Who knew at that moment,
It was the start of it all.
The end of a friendship,
The start of something more.

We grew to love each other,
Through all those warm summer nights.
Under the stars,
That twinkled so bright.

Then oh one fine day,
A letter arrived.
It was from him,
boy was I suprised!

I opened it up,
And the letter had read.
That he was an angel,
who belonged not on Earth but in Heaven instead.

He explained that he'd fallen,
When he'd lost faith in God.
But, it was then that he'd met me,
And knew I was sent from the lord.

He said that I'd taught him,
The meaning of love.
The one main importance
That God'd wanted above.

The tears flowed freely,
like a wide open dam.
Whenever I thought of him,
When he was more than just a friend.

The heavens seemed to cry,
One long lonely night.
I knew he was crying,
But what'd he'd done was right.

The love we'd shared,
Was true as the night.
Like the ones we'd shared,
Before he'd took flight.

He was an angel,
The best of his time,
But not only that,
I knew he was mine.

Then one day the skys cleared,
And my heart seemed to mend.
But I know I'd always remember him,
As more than just a friend.
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Hey there!! Well, school is starting and well I have gotta go back so no point in yelling or jumping down like an idiot...anyway, I've done enough of that. Hmm...Well, yesterday, my mother said something to me which was very true...if u think abt it...well, she didn't really make it up, she read it somewhere....

Anyway, she said that human beings were like trees. She said that trees liked to branch out and their roots would spread as well and the branches and roots od this tree will surely meet or touch another tree one day. But, no matter how much they entwine their braches around each other, they will never become one tree. So, like trees, we humans like to make friends, fall in love, have relationships. But the thing is, no one will ever be truely able to understand you completely. They will never be able to know you completely no matter how long you've known each other or how long you've lived together. You will never be that person and therefore, you will never know what he or she is thinking.
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Haiz...got so bored decided to g et a new blog at angefire...i prob will move this to there...see how
anyways, till then...im still with ya!!
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HI! Yes, well, I'm back again. Got tired of trying to fix the stupid template into the way I like it. Anyway, here's another poem, from me to u guys.
Pls feel free to give ur comments...when I say that I mean the gd comments...heheh just kidding. Enjoy!!

Lonely Days

Lonely nights fill my days,
Whenever I'm without you,
I miss you in so many ways.

The bright full moom,
Signals the night,
Which casts those 'shadows' I try to fight.

Tears fill my eyes as I write these words,
No matter how hard I try, my tears,
will merge these words.

My heart and soul are empty no doubt,
When the person I love is never about.

Night is falling, descending.
I can only end this now and pray,
That the 'shadows' will pass me,
When night turns to day...
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I just set this thng up so i could put up a few Poems and stuff abt me. Prob nobody gona read this so it's gonna be kinda personal i guess. Haiz...school opening soon. How? I dun want to go back to 'Hell' ... There got the devil ( Principal) and the underlings(Teachers) *Sigh* ...

Okay, here goes my very 1st poem of the year:
P.s. If this resembles any living or non living people, sorry...not intended. Also, this did not happen to me.

The Last Words Of Me

Your smile, your laugh, your everything,
Makes me so complete.
But then you leave and throw away,
The love I gave, I thought you need.

The pieces of my life,
Fall like Autumn leaves.
Never to be grown again,
like my shattered heart that bleeds.

I'm sore, battered, bruised.
My heart is ceasing,
To continue beating.

My life is worthless now,
nothing but a joke.
A girl who gave her body,
That's now more than broke.

I feel so cheated, dirty!
Not worthy of any man.
I can't live this life anymore,
I'm gonna bring it to an end.

So sorry I can't stay,
For a longer period of time.
The waters are calling my name,
Goodbye! This is my time...
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