Hi, I'm still alive, not to worry. But i'm still struggling to survive. I sometimes think that there's got to be something out there that is purposely trying to drown me, everytime I think I've survived the wave, a bigger and stronger tide sweeps me under again. Now, I've realised that it isn't the world, it isn't the fate or injustices of the world, rather, it is myself. I make things incerdibly difficult, I try to supress my happiness. I try tio kill the life in me. I don't know why I do it, but I just do. Maybe it is because my life has been to good. It could very possibly be because of that. Maybe I've had it too good and now deep down, I long for something terrible to happen to me so that I can say that I've been through rough times, just like everyone else. Maybe, subconsciously I want to experience life like those who haven't had it good, just to be able to say "I'm no different" I know it's a weird thought, but I think it might be true. Yes, I think it's true. No, I'm not blaming my parents for whatever has happened or rather what hasn't happened, but rather I'm just trying to come to terms with what is happening to me. This realisation hasn't really sunk in yet because in some ways I'm still denying the truth. Perhaps in some ways I'm trying to tell myself that I can still blame others. It isn't my fault, it isn't your own doing that has got you into this mess. It's someone else. Well, I've always been blaming someone else. But maybe I'll stop doing this. I'm not very happy. I can say that, but what am I going to do? Am I supposed to mope about and continue this blind reality? Will I live up to this truth? Will I learn that in the end there is no escape? Maybe, maybe...